Four generations of women in their 30’s (1970s, 2000s, 2020s and 2050)
A story of my grandmother, mother and myself in our 30's in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. What did we have in common, and what was our life’s priority, privileges in different times? What are my hopes for my daughter in 2050?
Have you ever wondered what is must have been like living back in times of our previous generations? (Perhaps as a man or a woman). How long do we carry the memories of what we grew up sponging in and embedding certain pictures that shape our present choices, decisions, the way we define love, marriage, parenthood, and life in general… And what can we learn from experiences of same aged women living in different times? Can we still expect to construct the narrative similarly towards “womanhood” in different times?
I have no memory of the Socialist Mongolia my great grandparents, grandparents and parents lived through. As the “Democracy child- Ardchilaliin Huuhed” who’s embracing my 30’s in contemporary times of Ulaanbaatar life in 2020’s, I often feel like an outsider while observing my families’ narrativity, memories and the way they preach on love, marriage and values of family and individuality. As both an insider and an outsider to my own culture, nation and family, here I am finally looking closely to my grandmother and mother’s experiences as women living their 30s in 1970’s, 2000’s to see what changed, what stayed and what might be interesting for my daughter in 2050s when she’s in her thirties.
This is for you Mana- my loving daughter, my soul and my life. Brace your scars, brace those privileges as you live through life. Noting your privilege and using it as a power to empower others is the most gifted Life we create❤
Great Grandma- “Emee” (1970’s of Mongolia)
Adoption of pro-natalist policies in Mongolia resulted in very high fertility rate in 60’s and 70’s. Granma was in her 30’s in 1970s living in Ulaanbaatar. By this time, grandma had given birth to 6 children already (ages: 11, 10, 6, 4, 3, and an infant). After leaving her first marriage, she was then with my grandpa and their 4 children receiving their state assigned apartment for public servants. Granpa’s honor was also granma’s pride, perhaps a priority. She was a parent of 6, and a full time student. Who looked after the children? — Day cares helped— Then who would pick up the kids? — Oh she and relatives living together, they would pick the kids up as if they were picking mushrooms…She never completed high school system we know these days, but she did manage to complete her higher education, while juggling a job and forming a family they way she knew back then.
What was Emee’s priority?
“Family honor and education”- It was normal and common for a 30 year old to be raising 6 or more children as abortion and contraception was not granted upon one’s choice. I asked her if it was difficult. She smiled and said “It was just our life, and it was our job. Things work, you know”. Education defined your social class back then. Marriage was socially and economically a secure-net for many women back then. Day care services were also common, plus living with spouse’s siblings were the “support-system” (and a crowd indeed!) I noticed grandma often highlights her career and education. She was serving her country, raising her/their children, serving the wife duties, and I am often left with the question “Was there anything else you wanted for yourself”. She does not get the question, maybe nobody asked her this question before. There’s nothing wrong with that, times were different and she fulfilled her priorities which was her position in society as a “mother” which defined her “womanhood” back then. Yet, this positionality was ruled by others, not her. She played by the rules.
What was her privilege?
—Socialism+ A husband who made life secure, even as a widower, socialism did not endanger the children and her. Life must have been difficult ever since granpa died in a terrible accident, but she like many other widowers, stood tall and carried life with courage. I later realized, she rubbered her patriarchal beliefs decade after decade embracing the freedom and changing definition of womanhood in different times. But Time&Space has always been missing for her. She once shared how much time she has now just for herself, which she enjoys. It must have been impossible to grant space for herself her entire life raising the children on her own (and with communal support)
Grandmother- “Meemee” (2000s in Mongolia)
2000’s in Ulaanbaatar was a different story. There were no more Soviet economic assistance and also no more ruling. Mongolia was shifting to Democracy and many economic reforms. In her 30s, she had a teenager. I often complained about being an only child when all my cousins had at least 2 siblings. (I thank them now for just having me, my life would have been a different story :D). Due to the market economy shift, mom and dad like many other chose the pathways to pursue economic advancement working abroad leaving her career in linguistics and her work at a local university.
What was meemee’s priority?
“I was her priority”- I am certain throughout her 30’s, the memories of family and marriage values played an important role for mom and dad to stick with one another until now. Marriage was the key in building their partnership in surviving in the economic challenges back then. Together, they were stronger- not in a modern romantic way, but as “partners” to be able to purchase real estate and make it simpler for me/them. Marriage also defined their positionality in the society, it made them socially accepted to survive not just economically. Mom’s womanhood in her 30’s was not only limited by motherhood but by also with her equal commitment to building the lifestyle for us. She worked and saved as equal as dad. She was the tough parent, dad was the softie. But during my twenties, she was my savior who granted me my freedom and saved me from a mini version of dad’s governmentality 😆
She had dreams, the difference between grandma and mom is that mom knew what she wanted for herself even though I never gave her that chance to pursue her own plans (my personal and career path towards women’s empowerment also disempowered your grandma by making her help me raise you guys) I still see in her eyes she knew what she wanted as her ambitions, and a part of her still try to maintain the belief about her own agenda in life. Unlike Emee, she actually had her character to speak when needed, disagree when necessary and fight when had to. She still presents a strong stand in supporting my ambition, goals and my own definition of womanhood in my 30’s similarly to her mother. They together embraced the shifts of gendered power as they age and indulged their daughters to think differently and re-define terms on their own.
Meemee’s privilege was having one child. Economy was completely different. It was a tough game to expect socialist norms and support. Also, time and space tells her story. She is now occupied with her responsibilities assisting me with raising you and your brother. She sacrificed her own time and space for me to have mine with full pleasure to explore my own stories in life.
Mother- “Eej”- Me (2020s in Mongolia)
I gave birth to you and your brother in my mid twenties. Unlike emee and meemee, I chose motherhood a little later than they did. But still, my embedded belief about womanhood was highly ruled by only “motherhood” throughout my entire 20’s.
Now that I am in my thirties as a happily- divorced person, it is slightly different than your great grandma and grandma’s stories. I feel younger than ever in my 30’s with a very clear plans for “myself”. Individuality has been a newly discovered topic in my 30’s. It’s an incredible reflection to see how stronger women can become these days which is not only measured by all those labels I just mentioned, but measured by the will to appreciate these challenges and blessings at the same time. Most importantly, sticking to your own authentic self is the one thing I realized as my takeaway in my 30’s in 2021. I am sure your great granma and your grandma embraced their 30’s with the will to appreciate life regardless of challenges but in their 30’s, they lacked systemic support to water their authentic self and watch that person grow.
What is my priority? — Many things that includes both my exploration on my own womanhood and motherhood. I was not a born feminist. But it was something that came along with my privilege I gained from the women who made the path easier for me to overcome today. Feminism is not about whether someone labels themselves as so. But it is something that women in our family carried without realizing. Privilege is one thing we must note more than ever. It is not privilege that made me a feminist, but it s how I used my privilege to empower others. Privilege is not a weapon where you use to perpetuate the beliefs automatically sealed in you through the power of peer norms around you. Privilege is not measured nor defined by monetary wealth but by support network and those who passed on your privileged lenses to re-discover your own path in life. Giving you the power to think for yourself when it didn’t even exist in different times.
I was given the luxury of owning my Time and Space going off to grad school. Even though it was toughest thing to be parted from you guys, I finally re-united with the authentic self of me which made me nothing but vulnerable and powerful at the same time. Re-training my brain to think for myself in planning, re-visiting our (3 of us) life is learned through a journey, experience and struggles for women.
It is one story to avoid acknowledging your story, and is another story to embrace, accept and own the truth without shame. It’s power.
Daughter- “You” (2050s!)
In 2050, the society you grow up in will be a little more egalitarian than the ones we all took a role in, hopefully. But at the same time, 2050 will still be intertwined with the norms shaped by your peers, which has a high chance in carrying on the patriarchal systemic rules. However, you will be the one to make an independent decision whether you prioritize and reflect on this blog. You will face similar dilemmas. But you will have your own thoughts, critiques and conclusion.
You may not become a feminist, but you’ll note the footprints of feminists are marked in your bio. You may choose not to have children, you may choose not to ever marry. You may have 5 children, you may have 7. I can’t presume. But I can assure to grant you the privileges of having your parent- me as of now. Just like how my parents protected me with their love, I will be the one to stand for you as long as I breathe. I will make sure to show you the re-defined version of parenthood, and how it will not be just limited to someone’s narrated “womanhood”. You’ll watch me juggling between my ambitions and to fit into the social norms assigned to single mothers. You’ll also see me fight against them, give in from time to time and maybe just ignore it all. You’ll see my being your friend, but a parent at the same time. You’ll memorize my million characters in different situations. You’ll be a person with your own lens, not controlled by stories about who you should be as a woman. You’ll be your own story narrator.
And I hope you’ll understand that many forms of privilege is given to all of us whether you see it now or later. And these privileges are a strong tool to use as your guide to empower others. A life fully lived is about how much lives you touch. Trust me, you’ll create your own stories about how much lives you touch. It does not have to be similar to everyone’s story. Nobody will write them for you, you will.
I hope your thirties be full of Time and Space for you. Unlike the 3 of many women in your life, we stumbled to get access to Time and Space! I hope your 30’s be easily granted with that luxury. The most luxurious gift of all for women in all generations. Time and Space, my love.
“Dem demendee, Dees Erchindee”
Eej n
2021.04